Rick Shapiro's Edinburgh Day Out

I never really wanna get up before two or three, so any activities are kinda limited to the afternoon. The truth is I'd spend all day taking heroin or getting laid if I could. But now I'm done with drugs and feeling for the first time like I want to see some shows.

Breakfast/lunch
I recently learned to cook so I go round the corner to Tesco's and pick up some eggs, cheese and ham. I hate that place – it's all take take take. Now you even have to ring up your own stuff – they don't do anything but collect.

AFTERNOON SHOW

3.55pm
Eco-Friendly Jihad – I met the kid doing this show at a comedy night, and it sounds like something I'd like to see. It's about an environmentalist who gets so mad she becomes a suicide bomber and blows everyone up.

EVENING SHOWS

Brendon Burns – 8.55pm
I haven't seen his show yet but I've heard he's an explosive guy. I've hung out with him a bit and we seem to clash. He'd probably disagree about that, and say something like “what are you talking about, we're nothing but good friends. So what if we never talk to each other and I never want to hear your whining voice again.”

Jim Jeffries - 9pm
He sounds pretty cool. I'm a pretty intense guy so I like comedy that's intense, that actually crosses the line. Jim sounds like he has no manners, and manners drive me nuts.

Joke-e-oke – 9pm
Going to that show was the only time in my life I've ever had fun. It's great, you get to see lots of other comics.

DINNER

10pm
Edinburgh's becoming all cutie-pie and shit, but I prefer going to kinda dumpy cafes. I always go to this proper diner on North Bridge called City Restaurant. It's really small but it does good, simple food. Usually I have haddock and macaroni and peas after my show's over at 10pm. You can get everything in this place, the guy who owns it always sorts me out – he plugs my phone into a charger and exchanges my money for a better rate than anywhere else.

LATE NIGHT SHOW

11.15pm
La Clique
This looks awesome, I'd love to see burlesque all of the time. Sexy and dangerous – that's what I want, that's how I used to spend my days. I'd kinda like to find a lapdancing club too.